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Her name is Diamond. A name I would have never picked. The name I did pick, Vincent, belonged to my great grandpa who told me through tears to stay in school because he wished he could have, instead of working to support his family as a child. I planned to honor his sacrifice. But what’s that thing about God and plans and laughing at them?

Sometimes I miss my baby. His chunky butt, his manic giggles, his fuzzy head. Missing your baby boy is different. It has this compounded sadness, all of which makes you feel guilty because I still have my child. My happy, healthy child. That’s all we said we wanted. Still.

I realize the sadness, the mourning, has little to do with what was and all to do with what could have been. For me, that was raising a sweet, sensitive, strong, protective, feminist man. I know some of these men so I know they’re not unicorns, btw. And I realize that a daughter could be all these things. I also know a daughter has many crosses to bear that a son wouldn’t.

A daughter has to make sure she isn’t followed to her car while carrying her keys between her fingers. A daughter will always have to water down her ambition with diplomacy. A daughter will be sexualized before she even understands what that means. A daughter could die for her right to an abortion. When I mourn my son, I mourn his privileges.

But like all things, I’m reminded to take them once step at a time. Today I have a daughter. Today her name is Diamond. She is happy, healthy, and here. With me. In my arms. Knowing she is ridiculously, disgustingly loved as she is right fucking now. Compared to that, nothing else seems to really matter. Besides, if I can survive being a woman, she can too.

And another thing. My Great Grandpa Vincent, as little as I think he could have wrapped his head around what it means to be gender non-conforming, gave up his education to help his family thrive. He unknowingly made it easier for the generations after him. He gave us better lives. By being there for my kid, I hope I’m doing the same. That beats a namesake.

When I was 4, I went to Disneyland for the first time. I would later learn that the trip with my grandparents, mom, and sister was a “sorry your parents are getting a divorce” trip. And then I didn’t go back until I was 30. Naturally, I didn’t give that much of a shit about Disneyland for most of my life. Then I rode Ariel’s Undersea Adventure and this happened:

Fast forward to three years later, it’s my third Disneyland trip ever and I just scored my dream job and I’m

SO NATURALLY I LEAVE WITH 4 2018 DISNEYLAND SHIRTS THAT ARE GLITTERY AF BECAUSE IM AN ADULT AND CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT NOW FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD

JK I love them and having two Christmases was dope. Anyway, first of course is the goddamn Little Mermaid shirt.

dl1

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Of course I cut it up. It was basically a dress. I bought a 2x and DL sizes are awesomely generous. And hey, who’s this who needs to get the hell outta my shot?

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Vince, can you not?

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Soo lucky you’re cute. Also, we need to talk about these jeans I am rocking. They are amazingly buttery and I love the fit. These are the high rise straight leg from Warp + Weft. Definitely following this brand.

Anyway, back to the shirts. Honestly, I still can’t decide if this one is my fave or…

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Fuck outta here with that ombre. Lurve.

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Too damn good. When I got both of these, I seriously thought I was done. Like that’s enough, dude. Stawp. What lost childhood are you trying to compensa—oh. Ouch. Anyway, then I heard my buddy’s wife say oooo there’s a gold glitter one.

RECORD SCRATCH.

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This one doesn’t even rep a movie but fuuuuuck it. Gold.

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So now, done right? Something happens when you buy three of something. It’s like you’ve admitted to yourself that this is a legit binge and you might as well ride it out?

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I have a Beauty and the Beast tattoo ffs. I kinda needed this one. Shorts: Also Warp + Weft.

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Also, millennial pink 4eva.

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One of my favorite things to do with femme friends is bond over fashion. The second is drank. So when my friendboss Caitlin suggested we get together to construct some patched denim over a bottle of wine, I was pretty giddy. She has since moved to Colorado like so many priced-out Californians and I miss her. So here are a couple of lewks in my custom denim vest, not only to reminisce but just because it’s been a minute since I’ve rocked it.

Plus size denim vest

Plus size denim vest

I think you can probably make a game of finding the Alien references.

Plus size denim vest

In fact this whole piece is just lousy with pop-culture. But you know me. Could there be any other way?

Plus size denim vest

One thing I love to do is wear this piece with a dress and really any kind will do–a maxi, a skater, you name it. But a jumpsuit is maybe the ultimate pairing, especially this shiny off-the-shoulder number.

Plus size denim vest

Plus size denim vest

I also took this opportunity to play with a new eyeshadow palette–the Little Twin Stars palette from Sugarpill. The shadows are so light and airy and were the perfect topping to my cotton-candy look.

Plus size denim vest

Little Twin Stars eyeshadow palette

Check out some of my favorite pins and patches here!

Enamel pins and patches pop culture

Wildfang button up shirt

OK so here is how this is going to go down. I’m going to come in with the light-hearted stuff, the fawwwshun, the brand talk–then we’re going to get a little real, a littler vulnerable. This paragraph serves to ineloquently warn you right now but mostly hype myself up to talk about something super personal and scary. The less flowery my language, the more I can just power through and get it out there so here goes…

Menswear used to be a necessity for me, simply due to lack of options as talked about in my t-shirt post. Since the industry has evolved, I haven’t had much of a desire to go back. There are still some internalized issues I have to deal with around fit and flatter–the idea that looking bigger and boxier is “bad.” Seeing some fat femmes and butches fucking kill it with masculine fashion has really inspired me. And the first brand I thought of trying was Wildfang.

Wildfang button up shirt

Their cuts and prints are very compelling and I love their racially-inclusive branding. But that inclusiveness does not deeply extend into size, something of which I was hopeful since at least one of their models was plus size. So I bought this shirt in the largest size possible. I was forced to add seven inches with some crude-ass side panels. This WAS kinda nicely nostalgic since it reminded me of days when I would say to brands FUCK YOU IM WEARING THIS by making shit happen with a needle and thread but it also reminded me how much more effort I as a person of size have to put into clothing and how it’s exponentially harder for people bigger than me and how that never stops sucking. Wildfang has the potential to be an amazing brand and I hope they are actively working to extend their sizes well, welllll beyond a small-ass 16.

A brand you can and should shop for all your butch needs in the meantime is Tunnel Vision.

Tunnel Vision spider t-shirt

I bought this tee in a 2x and it was wayyyyy too big for me, which I was actually pretty stoked about! I’m a smaller fat and should be near the bottom of the range, so fuck yes. They offer new and vintage styles, both in a wide range of sizes. This shirt was also ethically made in LA.

OK. So. Another source of inspiration for me dabbling with menswear is my son. Vince, at 5, is an avid sparkly-lover. He rocks pink glitter sneakers, a beaded bracelet, and a pearl necklace on the reg. He went as Rainbow Dash for Halloween and he loves to run around the house in his princess dresses. However, he never fights wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, loves his super short undercut, and has never ever expressed any frustration or unhappiness with his body.

Up until recently, I was almost expecting him to phase out femme things since I know it’s common for children of his age to try anything when given the chance. And giving him that chance was important to us. But the reality that this is likely a lasting thing has sunk in. And it happened at a Gymboree store.

While on vacay in Pismo last week, I asked Vince if he wanted to have dinner at the pinkest restaurant in the world. And duh, of course he did. So for our special date at the Madonna Inn Steakhouse, I said I would take him shopping for a fancy pink outfit to match. I was thinking a little suit or blazer with some jewelry and as I was putting a few options together, he beelined for this adorable fuschia shift.

I caught myself trying to talk him into the pink shirt and charcoal striped pants I picked out and I saw this…sadness well up in his eyes. It is different from the sadness that comes after I say “pick up your crayons” or “tablet time is over.” One thing I never have a problem with is telling my son “no.” I don’t have a problem with him experiencing sadness or anger or boredom because these are real human emotions we have to navigate. But there has to be a reason behind them. There has to be a lesson learned. “Boys can’t wear dresses” is a lesson I will never teach.

I don’t think I have ever felt equal levels of utter joy and absolute terror as I did that night. Here is my perfect baby, beaming, being his best and happiest self…

And I’m on the highest alert. I am silently pre-hating every single person in this goddamn restaurant until they flash Vince a smile or at the very least make it clear that they will be fucking chill. If my aura had a voice that night it would be EVERYBODY JUST FUCKING BE COOL. And I’m doing this all while putting on my best no-fucks face for my boy. I ask my mom, my amazing fucking rockstar mom who did not bat a lash at her grandson rocking a dress at dinner, if I look scared or nervous and she assures me I don’t. And I can’t help but think of all the times I posted my nearly-nudes on Instagram, or all the times she watched me strut my fat ass on the runway, and how she never looked scared for me.

The thought of someone being unkind or harming your child just for being themselves is enough to knock you to your knees. We as a society still have lightyears to go when it comes to gender non-conform, especially for boys who have toxic masculinity peddled to them on a daily basis. I know my son will have struggles ahead, but it will pale in comparison to the pain he would endure if I encouraged him to hide who he is in the interest of safety. I got a glimpse of that pain as he held this pink dress in his hands, the suit in mine. I never want to see it again.

As a person in a long-term relationship, feeling sexy is pretty fucking important. It’s crucial for keeping intimacy thriving. And I can’t rely on someone else’s desire to dictate how sexy I feel in my own skin. Also, after all, that’s not sexy! Independence and confidence are sexy. And sometimes, you gotta go out on a limb to get those things…like take some steamy pics of yourself.

Playful Promises plus size lingerie

This is precisely why I love lingerie so much. It lets me see my body through a difference lens. Every time I select new pieces, I try to do go for a new look each time. Shaking things up is also the key to a happy partnership. So when I saw this bra and panty set from Playful Promises had some “playful” cut-outs that “promised” to showcase my twins in a brand new way, I had to take the plunge.

Playful Promises plus size lingerie

Yep. This is a first for me.

Playful Promises plus size lingerie

Honestly, having my nipples peek out of little holes in my bra just made me giggle. I mean, my boobs make me giggle half the time anyway. Boobs are funny sometimes! But this was one of those things that did elicit a…response from my husband which in turn elicited response from me.

Playful Promises plus size lingerie

While my feeling sexy has to come from within, I have to admit that seeing my body’s effect on someone I love and trust can be just as liberating.

Playful Promises plus size lingerie

I actually wore these underwear for the rest of the day under jeans. Not bad! I also appreciate lingerie you can wear under regular clothing for those who like to spring a surprise on someone. Which I do. That’s the real tragedy about frilly knickers. Love them but make you look like you’re wearing a baby’s diaper under your pant. No bueno.

I’ve been known to talk a blue streak about the resourcefulness of plus size women when it comes to dressing their bodies. I’ve unpacked and picked apart the question “Did being fat make it easier for me to be punk or did being punk make it easier for me to be fat?” The lack of options I had growing up was a painful blessing. It forced me to cultivate style and identity with scraps. And because they come in a plethora of sizes, t-shirts quickly became my best friend.

Premme babes tee

When the plus size industry finally started catering to women under 40, I left my tees in the dust and replaced them with empire waists and camisoles and halters. But that was pretty short lived. You can’t cut up a halter or cami and instantly customize it to your two-inch-long torso. This is what makes t-shirt special. They are perfect for lazy people.

However, any time I don’t have to cut a tee into a crop is a special moment. And there is literally no tee in the world that fits me better than my Premme babes shirt. Please PLEASE for the love of god make more shirts in this cut and take my money pleece.

Premme babes crop top

Ugh. Seriously.

Vintage crop top

This tee is an instant fave because, as you may recall, it is part of a co-ord set! The matching skirt is stunning but I love that I can wear this top with literally anything.

Cat t-shirt

And the cats. I’ve also written about this cat shirt. Because diet culture is a pervasive bitch, I was horrified one morning to try on this top and have it no longer fit. Crushed. Double crushed to feel so affected by something so trivial. It’s just a shirt. And my body is fine. I threw the shirt in the trash.

Cat t-shirt

Then I dug it out and slapped some side panels on it. When life throws you too-tight shirts, and you’re a resourceful fat bitch, you bust out your sewing machine.

Plus size leather gaucho pants

First of all, hey there! It’s been a while and things have been happening. Most notably, I have gone back to work full time. After 14 months of working from home and freelance writing and styling, I suddenly realized wow I am really fucking lonely and I miss people.

Honestly, this was always the main struggle of freelancing. Aside from it being incredibly hard to find consistent part-time work, and for that work to be somewhat interesting, and always being broke, and self-starting being really fucking hard, and always feeling like you’re working too much and not enough at the same time (how?), loneliness really was the deal breaker for being a full-time blogger. And there’s not much way out when you live 400 miles away from Blogger Mecca. All the creatives in my neck of the woods have full-time jobs and not enough time to collab. It really does feel like swimming upstream and I am just not a good salmon. I’m more of an under-achieving guppy.

It’s cool though. My pride isn’t taking a hit because it is what it is. I gave it a good run and I’m glad I did. But I need people. Ignoring that and continuing on would only come back to bite me in the ass sooner or later and in a big way. There are things to push through and there are things to which you surrender. This is the latter.

Plus size leather gaucho pantsSecond, now that I have an marketing job again, all the clothes I have hoarded over this last year actually feel like they have a purpose now. I am back in the world and I have brought my Megawardrobe with me. However, I did realize that working from home had brought my FUCKIT levels to critical mass and I would need some staples that toned things down a notch without completely spaying this alley cat. Enter leather gaucho pants.

Plus size leather gaucho pants

For my first styling, I wanted to go with a more casual top to show juxtaposition. These pants have some serious range. A plaid blouse that looks grungie with jeans is instantly elevated while still emitting a comfy vibe.

Plus size leather gaucho pants

Next, I wanted to go a little glam with this Premme sweater and it’s faux fur accents. I’m in love with the mock turtleneck but it’s the colors of this piece that clicked “add to cart.”

Plus size leather gaucho pants

I love that this look is so goddamned winter without camel and bordeaux. I cannot and will not stop being colorful. Nope.

Plus size leather gaucho pants

Last, I was long overdue for a monochrome look. I felt like I was really getting one over with this low-key leather mama look. My Universal Standard tee literally goes with everything but this is a perfect paring if I must say. And of course, I can’t do monochrome without a pop of print so my leopard sneaks make a cameo for the millionth time.

Plus size leather gaucho pants

Plus size overalls

As you probably already know, I’m a mom to a preschooler. As such, looking uhmyaaahzing every damn day is just not feasible. My life can be so scheduled OR I can be tired to the point of tears and either way, hair, makeup, and wardrobe are going to give in these trying moments.

I always envied people who had a healthy dose of basics in their wardrobe because I always struggled to dress myself on more casual occasions. However, this tendency to fill my closet with statements has actually made for a weekend wardrobe that doesn’t leave me bored and depressed. It’s awesome.

My mom uniform is a basic formula that I think all fashion-conscious moms could follow and make their own. So if you happen to be shopping for such a person, please consider the following pieces, hand picked by yours truly!

Statement Sneakers

Comfort meets style. Big Plus: You can literally jump into them when you realize you are about to be late picking up your little one from daycare.

Sole Diva Denim Patch Flats

denim sneakers

Patches are great. Patches that you don’t have to glue on yourself are AWESOME.

Sole Diva Knot Slip Ons

knot sneakers

Black leather sneakers are a must but these just up the ante.

Tassel Sneakers

tassel sneakers

Sneakers with a pointed toe are also just a touch extra and make any pair of jeans look a bit more sophisticated.

Quilted Sneakers

quilted sneakers

There’s that millennial pink again. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Franco Sarto Mony Sneaker 

leopard sneakers

I’ve rocked a leopard sneaker with far fancier outfits but I feel like they literally go with everything.

Ankle Jeans

No need to worry about hemlines matching heels with ankle grazers. I also find choosing a jean with some added visual interest is perfect for my arsenal of plain tees.

Distressed Patch Boyfriend Jeans

dark patch jeans

From slightly distressed…

Repaired Boyfriend Jeans

repaired jeans

…to grungetastic.

Sequin Inset Jeans

sequin jeans

It’s just a wee bit of bling. Who’s it gonna hurt?

Velvet Stripe Jeans

velvet stripe jeans

And yes, I found a way to stuff velvet onto this list. I’m that good.

Bib Necklaces

Trust me, literally any plain tee or sweater looks amazing with a big necklace. You will suddenly look like you have your life together and not as if your dinner was handfuls of Lucky Charms eaten over the kitchen sink. Which it was. #noragrets

Tassel Necklace

tassel necklace

While colorful tassels could clash with whatever else you have going on, this piece is sure to blend in while making a statement on its own.

Bar Necklace

Bar Necklace

A touch of edge without getting in your way.

Boho Bib Necklace

boho necklace

Once again, a bit of sparkle. OK it’s a lot but come on. Just let me have this.

Cocoon Cardigans

There is something about slouchy sweaters that make it officially fall. All I want to do is wear maroon lipstick and write bad poetry when I wear them.

3/4 Sleeve Cocoon Cardigan

3/4 Sleeve Cocoon Cardigan

You can also rock this piece with leggings and combat boots.

Waffle Knit Cardigan

Waffle Knit Cardigan

I love how this is styled here, the perfect accent to a monochrome base.

Olive Cocoon Cardigan

Olive Cocoon Cardigan

It says “one size fits all” but don’t worry. I actually own this! It’s still drapey on a size 16/18.

Melissa McCarthy Cocoon Cardigan

Melissa McCarthy Cocoon Cardigan

How comfy-looking is this? Ugh. I can smell the chai tea and wood fire.

**Please support the links that support this blog!

 

Where there is a will to wear sparkly shit on the reg, there is a way. Elvi recently reached out to me and asked me to give some pieces from their holiday collection a try and they are so gorgeous, I seriously had trouble choosing.

Plus size satin blouse

Besides an obvious weakness for shimmer and shine, I also can hardly resist a unique silhouette. I really do love a slouchy shirt but the color and accents of this one made it a must.

Plus size satin blouse

It’s not often that a piece of clothing feels special on this level. I also mean that literally. Wearing this felt like rolling around in satin sheets.

Plus size satin blouse

I also love this piece because it’s another “fuck flattering” style. Sometimes I trade feeling like an hourglass for feeling like a badass. Thin women are allowed to do this all the time. So can we!

Plus size sequin dress

Instead of going all out and showing you how I plan to rock this fit on NYE, I wanted to see just how much mileage I could get out of it with a chambray shirt. Turns out, plenty!

Plus size sequin dress

And it just happened to be by luck that I had shoes to perfectly match. I love when that happens.

Plus size sequin dress

Shopping Linkies:

Nude Sequin Slip Dress | Elvi
Copper Frill Shirt | Elvi
Sequin Patched Jean | Eloquii

**Please support this links that support this blog!

My best friend never goes to bed on time. It’s amazing that we are still friends. I, on the other hand, love sleep more than life. There are times I am sleepy and it’s approaching that time to go to bed and then there are times when I need to go to bed rightthefucknow and if you keep talking to me I might just cry hysterically like a literal baby. Is this why I am so here for the daytime pajamas look?

Plus size wide leg jeans

Rounded collars, satiny fabrics, robe-like dresses. Loving it. It’s like the sophisticated big sister of the “woke up like this” messy bun and yoga pants look.

Plus size pajama blouse

I should also just say that I never wear anything this fancy to bed but now I am seriously considering it. These luxurious fabrics are the comfiest. Not like I need any help getting to sleep but whatever.

Plus size satin robe dress

And now it’s time for some Premme! I have always wanted to show up on someone’s doorstep wearing nothing but lingerie under a trench coat ala Robin Givens in Boomerang but wearing that in my backyard with Laurel Dickman was as close to that as I’ll get for now.

Plus size satin robe dress

Feeling this fabric on bare skin really is a sensual experience. Not as much as seeing this pictures come out but yaknow.

Plus size satin robe dress

Obligatory I-can’t-stop-laughing-long-enough-to-be-professional pic.

So remember this video where I promised you that I would style this piece as a coat as well? I do!

Plus size satin robe dress

In my Babes shirt, no less. Premme needs to make more crop tees because I basically live in this bitch just because it fits PERFECTLY. It’s everything I want in a crop top. Except for the neck, which I cut.

Plus size satin robe dress

Anyhoo. I am short. And while I didn’t mind the length of this piece as a dress, I am kinda not feeling it as a coat. Maybe with a skirt? Still comfy though!

Plus size satin robe dress

 

And is this my color or hhhuwhat? ‘Tis. (Photo credit: Laurel Dickman)

Shopping Linkies:

Contrast Pajama Top | Eloquii
High Rise Wide Leg Denim Pant | Eloquii
Sol Satin Dress | Premme
Babes Crop Tee | Premme

**Please support the links that support this blog!