20 Feb I did it. I bought a Fatkini. And I love it.
So. Quite the way to say hi to y’all after another long absence. But camping trips and summer parties will be here before I know it and it was definitely time for a swim wear upgrade. Or I guess down grade since the issue was needing a smaller size.
Don’t get me wrong. Going from a size 22 to an 18 doesn’t suddenly make me feel like hot shit. It’s great but this is ultimately not the body I anticipate ending up in. So celebrating it with a fucking bikini seemed weird and premature and I literally lost count of how many times I added and removed the stupid thing to and from my online shopping cart. Honestly, this was not an easy purchase let alone photo to take AND SHARE WITH YOU ALL GOOD GOD WHAT AM I DOING.
So why? Because, hold on for this one, today…this is my body. And today is literally all any of us has. Last night I threw a fucking hissy fit when I got two pairs of pants back from alterations only to find they were taken in wayyy too much. Mark shrugs and says, “Just put them away for when you do fit into them because you eventually will.” And I go into a tirade about “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THAT THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES I NEED CLOTHES THAT FIT ME NOW NOW NOW.” *whispers* I’m super easy to live with.
My craziness aside, I think the sentiment is quite sane. This is my body today. And if I hide or feel shame, today is wasted. Believe me, if shame did me any favors, I would have put down the fork a long time ago because I have been dealt my fair share of it. Shame will only derail everything I have worked for and all the miracles that I have allowed to happen to me by finding recovery from a cunning and baffling disease.
And plus, the obvious, I am killing it with this fucking bikini. Besides the fact that a fat woman in a bikini is such an awesome fuck you to the male-gaze-manufactured standards of beauty, for reals, I just look good. FACT.
By the way, this is a Torrid fatkini. 🙂